Lasers at my face!

Just a quick one, for the moment. It's been two weeks since my last laser hair removal session. I went to a local place, and they use a different type of laser than I've tried before. From earlier research, many people seem to think this laser, a Gentlelase Alexandrite, works better than most of the alternatives (at least if you have fair skin.)

I have another laser session scheduled around the middle of December, but I'm not sure how many I'll want to do after that. Everything's getting thinned out to the point that most of what's left is blond and red hair. At this point, going four days without shaving looks about the same as skipping two days looked 8 months ago. There's definitely some improvement there, but it'll be interesting to see how much, once the next cycle of facial hair starts coming in. Looks like I'll need to switch to electrolosys soon.

"Goals," or "This year is ending fast"

You know, I keep meaning to update this blog. Usually, by the time I get home from work, I'm just not in the mood anymore. Living in this city, and having a 'real job' is really wearing me down. I don't feel like I do anything but work, come home, sleep, and then work again. That does, however, mean something else. I am employed again. It's even something that's actually in my major! Now that money is coming in again, I'm actually working on transition plans again.

I'm going to start back with facial hair removal this coming weekend. The place I've got picked out is almost half the price of last doctor I was seeing, and uses a laser that is known to produce better results. Because of my job and their availability, I can only go there on sporadic Saturdays. I'm lucky they did Saturdays at all, really. Ideally, I would love to have my face pretty clear by the time the new year starts.

Right now, my goal is to transition around the beginning of the year. I've pushed this plan back so many times. For the first time though, it actually feels possible. Hopefully that's a good sign. The place I work at doesn't have a HR rep right now, which means I'm going to have to work up the nerve and talk to my boss about things. I don't forsee any horrible problems though; most everyone I work with seems pretty cool about things.

The prospect of actually following through with this is kinda exciting. My life has felt pretty stale since Nicole and I moved here. I've been in a rut. Transition or not, I need to get some change into my life, soon. If I can make this happen too, then even better.

Playing hide and seek with self identity

I've been trying to sort through the issues of self identity, lately. Who am I really, and where am I trying to get to as a person? Every time I think I have it worked out pretty well, a little time passes and I have to reevaluate it from where I'm standing then. I think this usually ends up being a touchy subject, just because it calls into question the reasons you're even doing something to begin with. It's tiring to always dissect desires, motives, and everything else that pushes from day to day.

It's also strange, because as time passes, it's harder to recall how things felt before I started working through trans issues. It's troubling, as I'm the type that likes to have bulleted lists of reasons and rationale backing up what I do. It makes me worry that perhaps I missed turn in the thought process along the way; what if this isn't the best path I could have taken? I think, or hope at least, that this questioning is healthy.

I know for a fact that I am not a girly-girl in any sense. My desired gender expression has always been somewhere in the middle, but on the female side. In general, the female role models I have are usually something closer to genderqueer, not worrying about what they do or how they're coming across, as long as it's genuine. And that really speaks to me, I guess? It's the putting people into boxes of expected actions and roles that has always rubbed me the wrong way.

As I move slowly but steadily away from looking or acting male, it's made me question just what I was really going for, and why. So far, I still think I'm aiming for being recognized as female, but I have a feeling that in the end, it's mostly that I should probably express whatever feels "genuine", regardless of what gender it's tagged with. So maybe expressing somewhere a little left of the middle, but recognized as female physically? That might feel about right.

I suppose for me, it's slowly fumbling towards some place where I feel alright. Like wandering around in some ridiculous game of "Hotter / Colder". I don't want to end up at a place that is different, but equally as uncomfortable as where I started two years ago.

A month without updating, and four months of hormones

Where to begin. At this point, I feel that enough time has passed, and enough things have happened, that I've already forgotten more than I will remember about the past month.

To start, the wedding went wonderfully. Far better than I could have planned, really. No horrible family meltdowns, or even that much awkwardness. Nicole and I are settled into our new place, and trying to get things sorted out for the coming year. Beyond that though, the past month has been fairly difficult in some ways. The new environment, coupled with a lack of steady income has made things a jarring change from the days before we moved.

For now, living on savings has put many aspects of transition on-hold for a while, or slowed them down at the very least. I don't have the funds to continue with facial hair removal, which is one of the bigger deterrents I'd like to take care of before presenting female at all times. At this point, it's been about a month and a half since I've been able to present female, and not just androgynous. This is combined from moving to a new location, having to be around our families with much more frequency than I'm used to, and losing my breast inserts in the move. Yep; they're gone, somehow. It's been somewhat of a bummer, as I originally wanted to be full-time from the wedding and onwards.

The job thing makes a lot of other stuff harder, too. If presenting female is going to be a possible hindrance to making that happen, it's going to get pushed further back. At this point, it isn't something I can take or leave; I need a job regardless. I can't afford to stick to my ideologies about how this should work, and try to explain transitioning to a small NC business that might be hiring me.

So. Other things happening. I've been on hormones for about four months now. On the physical side of things, I've definitely been seeing a lot more development in my chest. I have to toss and turn a while before finding a comfortable position when sleeping on my stomach, just because of pressure. It's also getting to the point where I feel self conscious when presenting male and wearing shirts that fit. Well, almost. I guess I mostly get nervous when I have to be around my family or hers. I'm also still losing weight (mostly muscle, I assume). I'm down to a steady 135, which is pretty awesome. Lots of fancy internet calculator things say my ideal weight is between 120 and 140, so I guess I'm doing alright. Oh! I've also noticed regrowth of a "row" of hair around my hairline, I guess you'd call it a row. Male hairlines usually recede some, even before situations of actual balding. It's nice to know mine isn't following in that trend anymore.

Emotionally, I've had a few points where I randomly went to tears, and couldn't explain why I felt so worked up. So uh, thanks estrogen? The amount of confusion and slipups in public continues to rise, from things like the waitress addressing Nicole and I as "ladies", to the little kid yelling "WAS THAT A BOOOY?" while running by me. I guess it feels OK to know that I'm still at least heading in the direction I want. I'm sure this attention will get old very quick, probably about the same time that I want to just present as my target gender and not be noticed. For now though, it's just amusing.

A same-sex marriage in NC?

It's been some time since I said anything on here. I'm pretty sure that it isn't possible for things to have been any busier than they already were. In the past week, I've moved to a new apartment with my partner, Nicole. I've all but quit my old job because of distance becoming an issue (OK so I'll actually still be working there off and on, but not as my "real job" anymore). Oh yeah, and I'm getting married in 3 days.

I think it's a fair assessment to say that we're both very stressed, but at least I can say that a week ago, it was a whole lot worse. Now that the whole "move to a new place" thing is over with, we're finally able to focus on all the last minute details of an upcoming wedding.

As I've sorted my life and my identity out the past few years, Nicole has supported me every step of the way. Even when she didn't understand, we talked, argued and worked things out. I know she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. So that brings me here--a traditional marriage in North Carolina--where the state, the pastor, and and probably a three quarters of the attendees think that it's a woman and a girly looking guy getting married. Oh the joke's on them, little do they know of my grand disguse! Ha.

Honestly, I wish that everyone would have known by now. I would have loved to have a wedding where everyone sees and supports both of us for who we really are. It's a bit depressing to be reasonably certain that such a thing isn't an option, not when you want conservative parents and grandparents to attend, anyway.

It's hard. Family is a funny thing. Whatever in us that would like to tell more of them, it's mostly being overridden by the desire to have people we care about actually attend and participate in a day like this with us. Half of me just wants to let the everyone know, then give gracious thanks to those that still showed up, and the finger to the rest. Ah well. I'm not certain, but I think I'd like to have another small ceremony after I'm full time, and don't have to keep switching back and forth in presentation. I've definitely had a part in helping to plan the wedding, but there are also parts that I would've done very differently if it weren't for family.

So we're here; I really am excited. Nervous too. But it'll all work out, and in the end, eventually, we'll be in the legally awkward position of being a same-sex couple in a state-sanctioned marriage. Not sure how NC is going to feel about that one. I'd imagine it would only become an issue around the time that one of us needed to actually exercise one of those civil benefits that married couples enjoy.

Further adventures in "girling it up"

I went to a music festival for my vacation. A week of camping, hundreds of bands, and the sweltering midwest sun are not really ideal places for daily facial hair control, makeup, and whatnot, but I did manage to do it for two or three days out of the whole trip. I know I must have looked pretty rough at some points, but hey, everyone looks a little rough at these kinds of things. Apparently I wasn't too horrible looking. I managed to catch one guy checking out my chest at a show. Between that, and random guys begging all the girls walking by their campsite to accept their offer for "free kisses," it was definitely a set of foreign first experiences over the course of the week. I'm not used to that kind of attention!

The next time presenting female was after the festival, during a trip to drop a friend off at the airport. Public bathrooms are still one of the more awkward places, in my opinion. At one point, I was futilily waving my hands in front of a broken automatic paper towel dispenser. Someone standing nearby me offered that the one on her side was working. I cracked a nervous "thank you," got my paper towel, and high tailed it out of there. Really, I'm probably being harsher on myself than strangers would be, but meh.

The more time I spend out and about while presenting female, the more comfortable it feels. At least from what I can tell, I don't seem to strike anyone as out of the ordinary, which at the moment at least, is something I like. That does bring up some other issues, though. I've noticed that to look "normal" (ha) I've felt like I needed to look or act at least a bit girlier than I actually am. I definitely need to think about that more, and maybe talk about it some.

For now I guess I'd say that I'm slightly conflicted; being recognized as the gender I want to be perceived as, and expressing gender as I feel it still aren't always meshing (while they are closer than in years past.) With either friends or strangers, it's nice knowing that you are perceived as something at least a little closer to yourself. I'm seriously contemplating going full-time once I move (well, almost, as there is still some friends and family that aren't in on the news just yet.) I can almost see it as something that would work out, though I'm still iffy on how it'd turn out job hunting.

Finally, for one slightly related thought. I've noticed that I am "girl-me" in my dreams with increasing frequency compared to months past. Maybe it's because it's something that is easier for my mind to work with while sleeping, now that it's become more than an abstract idea or possibility. Either way, it's really cool, and in my opinion at least, some sort of sign that maybe I'm doing the right thing here.

Woopwoop

I really need to talk about the last two weeks sometime soon. In the mean time, I wanted to note that my spiro refills finally came in. When we got home from the trip, the replacement shipment had made it to my door; that was three days ago. Then today, the original package finally showed up as well.

The pharmacy had already apologized, and told me to just keep the extras if they ever made it here. So I have 300ish dollars worth of spironolactone, for only 145 dollars. It sucked to be without it during the trip, but I've got to say, this is pretty great.

The vacation, so far

Well, I've been on vacation for about 4 days now. Really, things haven't worked out as nicely as I would have liked. First, my spiro refill was apparently lost in the mail, and I've been rationing what I have left over in an attempt to maintain my sanity on this trip. Even with the rationing, I'll be out in about three days. That's a bit of a bummer, considering I won't be back home for about a week more.

Second, while I love my friends and family, even the ones that are supportive and awesome about my transness have had an awfully hard time with pronouns and names. I suppose that problem is compounded by the fact that I'm still not full time. Even still, I felt that it was reasonable to hope for feminine pronouns and name usage when I was presenting female, at the very least. So far, it hasn't really happened too much. I know everyone's trying, and I'm really wanting to give everyone as much slack as they need to get adjusted, but I can't say it's not bumming me out.

Lately, I've also been telling the handfull of friends that still don't know about me, in an attempt to have everyone know before they find out on their own. With my plans to present female for at least some of this vacation, I can safely say that almost anyone I miss will know by the end, at least in this circle. It's going well, I guess. Lots of people who don't necessarily have a strong frame of reference for what I'm telling them, but noone has been morally offended, or moved to stop talking to me so far.

The times I have been presenting female have been great, though a little stressful. My voice is still a failure when I'm nervous, and what do you know, I happen to be most nervous when a nicer voice would come in most handy. Another problem for the trip, is that the vacation is mostly being spent camping, and the camp has communal showers. Now, I don't particularly fit in at either shower house at this point. I'm pretty androgynous when I'm not trying too hard one way or the other, but unclothed is just awkward regardless. Still trying to figure out how to address that.

Quick note

Oww. I woke up this morning and my right side is touchy enough that it's uncomfortable to even have a shirt pressing against it. I can already tell this'll be a great day.

One month on hormones

It's been about a month now since I started taking estrogen, in addition to the spiro I was already taking. Emotionally, I think I feel the same as ever in most ways. A bunch of friends were discussing the saddest things they had ever seen on the internet, and watching them brought me to somewhere around "bawling my eyes out." I'd blame it on the estrogen, but I've always been easily moved by anything I felt touching. It's really about par for the course. I might be a little more easily swayed than before; I guess I can move through the spectrum of emotions a little faster than I used to. But that's not really hormonal, now is it? I mean, it seems more likely that it would be that way just because I felt more comfortable expressing stuff in general.

As I continue to move closer towards transitioning, I've become more articulate and expressive in how I show emotions and feelings. Especially happiness and friendly affection for people; it's really a shame that things like that aren't considered as acceptable for masculine gender presentation. I'm glad that I don't have to live up to it, but fucking hell, men shouldn't have to live like that either. It's so freeing to even start worrying less about what people might think before you say something.

As far as physical stuff goes, I really haven't noticed many changes. My chest is generally sore at all times, and while I can feel a difference no one can particularly tell if I've got a shirt on. This is probably a good thing, considering I'm definitely not out at my workplace at the moment. Body hair seems to be growing about the same as it ever has; I really hope that thins out eventually. Shaving wouldn't be as annoying if I didn't have to do it so often. I'm still working on the laser hair removal. My face is so much better off than it was at this point last year, but it's still not clear either. My goal is to have a clear face by some time in August, though I don't know if that's realistic or not.

Finally, I've noticed a definite drop in my alcohol tolerance, from even a few months ago. I managed to get drunk in half the time tonight, without even trying that hard. Thinking about it, I can narrow it down to a two things. The first of which would have to be the estrogen. It's processed by the liver, which means there's more going on than just removing alchohol from my bloodstream. Second of all, I've lost about 15 pounds in the past 9 months. Being lighter has an obvious connection with tolerance.

First times out in girl mode!

The past week has been more eventful than I originally planned. With a friend planning to celebrate their 21st birthday that night, I resolved to go out presenting as female for the night.

Makeup was a problem. Neither my partner or I are girly girls; she's always worn as little makeup as possible. The shades we picked were way too light for me, though they mostly work for her. Another friend of ours dropped by with some replacement foundation that worked much better. Really, I still think I looked too washed out, but it did hide what was left of my facial hair.

I don't think I can express how nervous I was going outside in girl mode. It was particularly bad, as my girl voice gets exponentially worse with how nervous and tense I get. We arrived at the friend's house and visited with everyone for a while. The crowd was predominantly trans, genderqueer, lesbian and so on, so I suppose it would be considered a safe place to try something new. Even still, I was really grateful that everyone was so supportive.

After a while, we headed out to a pub for festivities. The waitress carded me before drink orders, but after a double take at the license, seemed to just roll with it. I stayed with the group for most of the night, until the birthday friend's drinking was cut short by them throwing up all over the table. This led to me, my partner and several others in the group heading to the ladies room to clean up. I think that's the first time I've ever been in there on purpose with other women.

I think the night stressed me out a bit, mostly because I was scared I'd fuck my voice up badly enough to draw attention to myself. In the end, nothing bad happened. My friends were all ridiculously supportive, and it was an incredible first time out.

Actually, everything went well enough that I went out again the next night to visit the same group of friends. On the way, I stopped and picked up some chapstick from the convenience store. I felt so stupid, looking for the chapstick and not being able to find it. I gave up though, and asked where it was, hoping that my nervousness wouldn't mess my voice up too badly. I guess it didn't; either that or people just aren't as perceptive as I assume them to be. After coming home, it was really almost depressing to think about having to go back to boy mode for work in the morning. I think this is the first time I've seriously contemplated transitioning while still at this current job.

I do know a few things for sure, though. The first, is that I really, really need to practice with my voice. If I'm relaxed, it comes pretty natural, but as soon as there's someone else in the room besides me, I freeze up and sound pretty rough. Second, I'm starting to think that people aren't quite as observant or watchful as I worry. That's not to say I won't stress, but between people not paying attention and people just being polite, I think I pass enough that I should feel comfortable going out in girl mode whenever I want.

Undergarments, makeup, and emotions

We took the incorrectly sized bra back and picked up another. It fits way better than the first one did. And I don't scare myself when I look in the mirror wearing it under clothes, so that's a good sign, I think! I've been trying to wear it when possible with the inserts, at least around the house, to get used to it. Between putting it on and taking it off, I think "off" was the weirder feeling. I got used to having a averageish size chest in front of me, and It felt strange to suddenly be flat again.

I'm actually contemplating going out dressed in the next day or two, if I don't chicken out. This means I'll need to pick up some makeup, if only to hide what's left of my facial hair. It's so much less than it used to be, but it's still slightly noticeable. My partner doesn't wear makeup that often herself, and said she probably wouldn't be that useful, so I asked a friend instead. She's probably more excited than she should be about this, but yay for help.

I'm not certain if it's the estrogen or just the stress from everything in the coming months, but I've definitely been getting a bit more emotional lately. I've usually been the type to allow myself to feel emotions as they come, but I guess it's just a little more intense than I'm used to. I can think of at least a few instances when little things have given me stronger feelings than they would normally. I'll be happy when we've at least figured out where we'll be living for the next year; that'd be a nice start.

There's shopping, and then there's bra shopping

Lately, I've been trying to build up a wardrobe of any sort. Over the past year and a half, I've made an effort to buy relatively androgynous clothing for the most part. On days where I end up wearing a medium-sized shirt , it feels really goofy and oversized now (large shirts just aren't even an option at all). Same goes for pants and jeans, it's so weird thinking back to when I was wearing boy-cut jeans.

Buying particularly feminine clothing, however, has been more of a challenge. As far as tshirts go, there's always Threadless. Shopping in person though, is a little stranger, as I'm not presenting as female when out and about. Even still, for the most part, it all works out. At this point, I think society seems to have better things to do than be weirded out by the androgynous "guy" buying girl pants at Rue 21.

My partner and I went bra shopping the other day. Out of everything you could do in person, presenting as male and shopping for a bra is just an uncomfortable experience all around. We ended up picking something that seemed like it might work, and she paid for it while I disappeared in embarassment.

An incredible trans-friend of mine gave me some breast inserts as a gift, which compensate for my present lack. I was surprised; I don't think I looked horrible. I mean, I think with a little more planning and attention, I could actually maybe pass at this point. I really want to test this out, soon. As it turns out though, everything wasn't quite right. The band size is one too small, so it was tight enough to not be good for normal use. So that's frustrating, as I now get to bug my partner until she takes it back and exchanges.

Zipping through the summer

I've mostly spent the past week working. It's about all I do these days, really. Still taking the daily spiro and estrofem oral estrogen, supplanted with flaxseed oil, which several people have suggested would be good to have in there too (even if it doesn't do anything specific, omega-3 is important to have anyway, right?)

Emotionally, I still feel very much the same as always. I've heard some people say that hormone changes wreaked havoc on their emotions, just throwing them in all directions. So far, I'm not seeing it. I realize this is still very early on, but I have the feeling it'll end up being one of those things where I look back later, and maybe notice some differences over a long period of time.

Just to note, if you didn't take my word in the note before, this blog will definitely end up a "too much information" extravaganza, as indicated by this post. If this is a problem, you should probably stop here.

As far as physical changes over the week, I have definitely noticed my breasts getting even more tender. My right side feels uncomfortable at even light amounts of pressure. On top of that, it feels like my nipples actually push against my shirt a lot harder than before, I assume because there's finally something happening behind them. Exciting! And uh... painful.

Two days into estrogen!

I've now been on estrogen for TWO WHOLE DAYS. It's funny, I know that hormones are the kind of thing that take a fairly long time to take effect, but the anticipation is killing me. I'm very glad I've been able to be on androgen blockers for the past year to reduce my testosterone levels, but it definitely wasn't enough compared to where I want to be. I don't know if I can adequately express how antsy I've been for the past year, waiting to do this. I guess the best way to put it would be a sort of contentment in the fact that maybe now, things are at least heading in the right direction.

I'm still not going about it the "right" way. I'm self medicating, (but with what I feel, are reasonable research and precautions.) I've already done a blood work baseline to make sure my liver and other vital organs aren't going to shit themselves when they see new hormones. I also plan to get more blood work in about a month, and an endocrinologist's consult to confirm that the estrogen isn't sending my health into a downward spiral. So, that's fun, I guess?

I haven't really noticed anything in the past day and a half, but I wasn't expecting to, either. My breasts were already tender; they have been for a few months now I think. From a year of spironolactone [and very little exercise :( ], my chest already has a little more definition than it did a few years back. The androgen blockers have also taken some of the annoying aspects of my sex drive away, to where it's more of a mental activity rather than an automatic response. Anything I think I notice differently in the near future is likely to be all in my head, but I'd like to try to continue to keep regular updates, just in case (and because I really wanted to find this kind of thing out when I started thinking about transitioning, and gosh darn it, I don't know of many people ok with talking about this.)