Mom,
I’ve waited a while before sitting down to write you back. First, thank you for responding to me. I realize this is a touchy subject for both of us, and I can definitely understand how it would be easier to gather thoughts together in a letter instead of the phone.
I want to be clear on something. Counseling didn’t push me to my decisions; they don’t try to push you towards anything, really. They’re more of a sounding board, someone to get you to talk and think, who can ask you to expound on something when it doesn’t make sense. I have tried my best to be careful and thoughtful every step leading up to now. I was not pressured or pushed towards this either in the time I spent in counseling, or from people in my day-to-day life. Being transgendered isn’t really something that anyone would try to talk someone else into.
Mom, I have always felt this way—as far back as I can remember. Even before I knew what ‘transgendered’ meant, I knew that I didn’t fit in with or belong with the boys around me. When I say that, I don’t mean that I saw boys in their teenage years being offensive or crass, and felt out of place. I mean that even as a kid, I felt considerable distress and concern when I was forced to fit into male gender roles and be seen as male. I can remember as a kid, even at the age of 10 or 11, being pleased when a telemarketer would call the house and assume I was a girl because of my voice. I’d act annoyed, because that’s how boys are supposed to act when that happens, but inside, I was happy to know that someone had thought that. I can think of several similar memories at different times in my life.
That’s the thing, really; it’s always been with me. The only difference is that I am finally working through things. When I looked at my life and the themes across the years, I knew that this would be something that I could continue to ignore and push away (and be depressed that whole time,) or I could start making an effort to figure out how things were supposed to fit. I pictured my life, drawn out until the end, and it was depressing to see an entire life where I had never stopped acting a part. I can’t keep ignoring this like I’ve done for so many years.
I know you take issue with my choices on the grounds of religion. I still contend that the two aren’t mutually exclusive. As I’ve said several times now, gender expression and sexuality are two separate issues. We get to work through both of them separately, gender expression being your own half of the puzzle, and sexuality being who you are attracted to. Sexuality is what you see in others, gender expression is what you see in yourself.
What defines someone’s gender or sexuality? Is it what’s between their legs? Is it their chromosomes or DNA? Is it what they look like? How do you feel about other gender or sexuality issues, such as an individual being born with ambiguous genitalia, or born with androgen insensitivity syndrome (which causes a XY-born baby to develop as a female instead, because their body cannot respond correctly to testosterone)? In the case of the first, doctors usually make a guess on what sex the child should be, usually whatever is easiest to patch up down there. In the second, the person might end up halfway through their teenage years before they realize something was different.
Is there a specific blueprint that those individuals should live their life by? I don’t think the Bible has a clear-cut answer for them (or me, in this case.) My point is that human sexuality and gender isn’t black and white. There’s a lot of space in between where people fall that doesn’t quite match anything else. I truly believe that there are biological reasons behind my situation. For a moment, assume that I’m right about that. If so, then how is this any different than those unfortunate enough to be in one of the other situations I mentioned?
Where does our identity come from? If I am right, and there is a biological reason I am transgendered, then my brain is wired as female. If the brain is where our thought processes happen, where our personality is, then I’m inclined to place more weight it than something else. If things don’t match up, what is the deciding factor? I realize that you will probably say something to the effect that “God decides our identity.” I won’t disagree with you there. I will however suggest that maybe he is using some different criteria than we are. I don’t think the omniscient creator and ruler of the universe would have to go from outward appearances alone when deciding someone’s identity.
I hope that eventually you are able to see that as well. Whether you do or don’t, I love you mom, and I’d like to continue the conversation. I really want you in my life, regardless of our disagreements.
Your kid,
Jenna
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
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