This year has been pretty action packed, so far, especially the summer. In the past 6 months, I can now fairly safely say that every friend I speak with on a regular basis either knows me as female or in the case of those that have known me for a while, they know that I'm transgendered. It's actually pretty nice to finally be able to say that. I'm going to be dropping my birth name within the next week or two and finally living female full-time. So, what about all the stuff that's happened this past spring and summer?
A few months ago, I came out at my workplace. My coworkers as well as my boss have all been very supportive. My boss is a little difficult to anticipate. With any given situation, it's usually hard for me to make a guess as to how she'll react. In the case of me being trans, she was actually just about as close to 'ecstatic' as anyone could be. She told me that she supported me completely, and wanted me to ask her for any help I might need as far as getting people from work on the same page about stuff. She also stressed that she wanted me to let her know if anyone at work gave me any trouble whatsoever, "because I do not tolerate closed-mindedness at my workplace." After getting pumped up by something going that well, it was enough of a push to finally get around to telling other coworkers.
My dad also knows now. About a month ago, I finally got around to telling him after a weekend dinner visit. I had been dragging my feet for a couple years now, and it hit me that I really needed to tell him before continuing much further. My dad and I haven't always been so close over the years. Way back before I had told anyone, I really imagined that telling my dad would be a train wreck of a conversation.
Between then and now, a lot of things changed. I became a lot more comfortable and sure in both myself and my choices. I also think that my dad has come a long way, himself. He's at a lot better place in his life, less stressed and much happier. I can honestly say that I think he's a good person, and (while very much on the eccentric side) even someone I enjoy being around.
Telling him was still a bit of a nervous thing for me. We had just finished a conversation about life and growing up, about him and mom before I was in the picture, and about how you don't really figure yourself out until you're living on your own. It seemed like a good a time as any to mention being transgendered, and soon to be going by a different name, while we were on a big "individuality! gogogo!" kick in the conversation. Initially, he tried very hard to act like he wasn't bothered or surprised at all. After a while, I convinced him to actually tell me how he felt, and he admitted that it bothered him. Honestly, it went as well as I could have possibly hoped it to. He said that he didn't think he agreed with my choices, and didn't necessarily approve of them. He also said in very clear terms that I didn't need his approval for anything; he loves me regardless, and is just as proud as ever, of his kid.
He asked me to consider pursuing further therapy with a specialist and even offered to pay for it. I think he's hoping that someone would be able to talk me out of it, but he wanted me to hunt for a knowledgeable therapist, so at least he's not trying to force someone specific to 'fix me.' He also kept complaining about how all of this was happening so fast. That's my fault, to a point.
He also asked me to provide him some resources about trans-issues that he could read over; I think he's at least trying to make sense of things. I could tell that he was actually considering things as the conversation progressed. Early on, he said several times that he didn't think he "could ever see me as anything but his son, and that's just how it is." By the end of the conversation, he was still saying things like that, but them stopping himself half way through and backpedaling, awkwardly stumbling through explanations. "Well, I don't think I'll ever see you as anything but my son, but I guess if that changed, and I mean, I don't want it to change, and I hope it doesn't, but maybe if it did, I guess maybe I could get used to that. Maybe." Oh dad.
I'm sure I'm leaving things out, and even more is upcoming. I'm aiming to get my name legally changed within the next week or two. In the same time frame, I'll be living as myself and not trying to keep up a guy appearance anymore. Nicole and I have plans to tell her mom about the transtravaganza this coming weekend, unless things get derailed. Probably going to look up a therapist soon as well, partially because I think it will make my dad feel better about things, but also because it'd be kinda nice to have a referral to a doctor for hormone level monitoring. Going to stay away from an actually GID diagnosis though, even if it kills me! Summer looks to be busy up the the very end.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
It's the small things...
My mom accidentally called me 'she' tonight when mentioning me to someone else. I'm sure that it wasn't intentional; she corrected it back to 'he' very quickly. Even still, it's kinda funny and sad how much emotion I felt for something that insignificant.
Real updates soon. Maybe.
Real updates soon. Maybe.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The (abridged) response...
Mom,
I’ve waited a while before sitting down to write you back. First, thank you for responding to me. I realize this is a touchy subject for both of us, and I can definitely understand how it would be easier to gather thoughts together in a letter instead of the phone.
I want to be clear on something. Counseling didn’t push me to my decisions; they don’t try to push you towards anything, really. They’re more of a sounding board, someone to get you to talk and think, who can ask you to expound on something when it doesn’t make sense. I have tried my best to be careful and thoughtful every step leading up to now. I was not pressured or pushed towards this either in the time I spent in counseling, or from people in my day-to-day life. Being transgendered isn’t really something that anyone would try to talk someone else into.
Mom, I have always felt this way—as far back as I can remember. Even before I knew what ‘transgendered’ meant, I knew that I didn’t fit in with or belong with the boys around me. When I say that, I don’t mean that I saw boys in their teenage years being offensive or crass, and felt out of place. I mean that even as a kid, I felt considerable distress and concern when I was forced to fit into male gender roles and be seen as male. I can remember as a kid, even at the age of 10 or 11, being pleased when a telemarketer would call the house and assume I was a girl because of my voice. I’d act annoyed, because that’s how boys are supposed to act when that happens, but inside, I was happy to know that someone had thought that. I can think of several similar memories at different times in my life.
That’s the thing, really; it’s always been with me. The only difference is that I am finally working through things. When I looked at my life and the themes across the years, I knew that this would be something that I could continue to ignore and push away (and be depressed that whole time,) or I could start making an effort to figure out how things were supposed to fit. I pictured my life, drawn out until the end, and it was depressing to see an entire life where I had never stopped acting a part. I can’t keep ignoring this like I’ve done for so many years.
I know you take issue with my choices on the grounds of religion. I still contend that the two aren’t mutually exclusive. As I’ve said several times now, gender expression and sexuality are two separate issues. We get to work through both of them separately, gender expression being your own half of the puzzle, and sexuality being who you are attracted to. Sexuality is what you see in others, gender expression is what you see in yourself.
What defines someone’s gender or sexuality? Is it what’s between their legs? Is it their chromosomes or DNA? Is it what they look like? How do you feel about other gender or sexuality issues, such as an individual being born with ambiguous genitalia, or born with androgen insensitivity syndrome (which causes a XY-born baby to develop as a female instead, because their body cannot respond correctly to testosterone)? In the case of the first, doctors usually make a guess on what sex the child should be, usually whatever is easiest to patch up down there. In the second, the person might end up halfway through their teenage years before they realize something was different.
Is there a specific blueprint that those individuals should live their life by? I don’t think the Bible has a clear-cut answer for them (or me, in this case.) My point is that human sexuality and gender isn’t black and white. There’s a lot of space in between where people fall that doesn’t quite match anything else. I truly believe that there are biological reasons behind my situation. For a moment, assume that I’m right about that. If so, then how is this any different than those unfortunate enough to be in one of the other situations I mentioned?
Where does our identity come from? If I am right, and there is a biological reason I am transgendered, then my brain is wired as female. If the brain is where our thought processes happen, where our personality is, then I’m inclined to place more weight it than something else. If things don’t match up, what is the deciding factor? I realize that you will probably say something to the effect that “God decides our identity.” I won’t disagree with you there. I will however suggest that maybe he is using some different criteria than we are. I don’t think the omniscient creator and ruler of the universe would have to go from outward appearances alone when deciding someone’s identity.
I hope that eventually you are able to see that as well. Whether you do or don’t, I love you mom, and I’d like to continue the conversation. I really want you in my life, regardless of our disagreements.
Your kid,
Jenna
I’ve waited a while before sitting down to write you back. First, thank you for responding to me. I realize this is a touchy subject for both of us, and I can definitely understand how it would be easier to gather thoughts together in a letter instead of the phone.
I want to be clear on something. Counseling didn’t push me to my decisions; they don’t try to push you towards anything, really. They’re more of a sounding board, someone to get you to talk and think, who can ask you to expound on something when it doesn’t make sense. I have tried my best to be careful and thoughtful every step leading up to now. I was not pressured or pushed towards this either in the time I spent in counseling, or from people in my day-to-day life. Being transgendered isn’t really something that anyone would try to talk someone else into.
Mom, I have always felt this way—as far back as I can remember. Even before I knew what ‘transgendered’ meant, I knew that I didn’t fit in with or belong with the boys around me. When I say that, I don’t mean that I saw boys in their teenage years being offensive or crass, and felt out of place. I mean that even as a kid, I felt considerable distress and concern when I was forced to fit into male gender roles and be seen as male. I can remember as a kid, even at the age of 10 or 11, being pleased when a telemarketer would call the house and assume I was a girl because of my voice. I’d act annoyed, because that’s how boys are supposed to act when that happens, but inside, I was happy to know that someone had thought that. I can think of several similar memories at different times in my life.
That’s the thing, really; it’s always been with me. The only difference is that I am finally working through things. When I looked at my life and the themes across the years, I knew that this would be something that I could continue to ignore and push away (and be depressed that whole time,) or I could start making an effort to figure out how things were supposed to fit. I pictured my life, drawn out until the end, and it was depressing to see an entire life where I had never stopped acting a part. I can’t keep ignoring this like I’ve done for so many years.
I know you take issue with my choices on the grounds of religion. I still contend that the two aren’t mutually exclusive. As I’ve said several times now, gender expression and sexuality are two separate issues. We get to work through both of them separately, gender expression being your own half of the puzzle, and sexuality being who you are attracted to. Sexuality is what you see in others, gender expression is what you see in yourself.
What defines someone’s gender or sexuality? Is it what’s between their legs? Is it their chromosomes or DNA? Is it what they look like? How do you feel about other gender or sexuality issues, such as an individual being born with ambiguous genitalia, or born with androgen insensitivity syndrome (which causes a XY-born baby to develop as a female instead, because their body cannot respond correctly to testosterone)? In the case of the first, doctors usually make a guess on what sex the child should be, usually whatever is easiest to patch up down there. In the second, the person might end up halfway through their teenage years before they realize something was different.
Is there a specific blueprint that those individuals should live their life by? I don’t think the Bible has a clear-cut answer for them (or me, in this case.) My point is that human sexuality and gender isn’t black and white. There’s a lot of space in between where people fall that doesn’t quite match anything else. I truly believe that there are biological reasons behind my situation. For a moment, assume that I’m right about that. If so, then how is this any different than those unfortunate enough to be in one of the other situations I mentioned?
Where does our identity come from? If I am right, and there is a biological reason I am transgendered, then my brain is wired as female. If the brain is where our thought processes happen, where our personality is, then I’m inclined to place more weight it than something else. If things don’t match up, what is the deciding factor? I realize that you will probably say something to the effect that “God decides our identity.” I won’t disagree with you there. I will however suggest that maybe he is using some different criteria than we are. I don’t think the omniscient creator and ruler of the universe would have to go from outward appearances alone when deciding someone’s identity.
I hope that eventually you are able to see that as well. Whether you do or don’t, I love you mom, and I’d like to continue the conversation. I really want you in my life, regardless of our disagreements.
Your kid,
Jenna
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
A New Year
As my Holiday break wraps up, I'm feeling sorta down. I'm restless; I've been killing myself trying to get some projects done at my workplace and pushing everything else to the back-burner. The Holidays were nice for the most part--lots of driving and too much to do, but it was good to see everyone. My mom knows that I'm on hormones, now. She made a comment about it, and it seemed pointless to try and deny it or to pretend that she was mistaken. I also gave her the informational book True Selves, which I'd been trying to find a good moment to give her for almost a year. I think we're still about where we were when I first told her, which is a little disheartening.
It's hard to hold back, too. I'd love to tell her everything that's been happening in my life; I want her to be a part of my life as a transition, someone I can lean on and trust. Generally, you want people you care about to see you as you see yourself, right? It's kind of scary to worry that something like that might never be. I don't need the approval of my mom to get by in my adult life, but it won't deny that it'd be nice. In the mean time, I'm trying to slowly introduce her to both new concepts, and to me as I am. Maybe it's time to have another talk, and explain that in the near-future, I won't be switching back to present as male when I'm around her. She's got to get used to this stuff sometime...
It's hard to hold back, too. I'd love to tell her everything that's been happening in my life; I want her to be a part of my life as a transition, someone I can lean on and trust. Generally, you want people you care about to see you as you see yourself, right? It's kind of scary to worry that something like that might never be. I don't need the approval of my mom to get by in my adult life, but it won't deny that it'd be nice. In the mean time, I'm trying to slowly introduce her to both new concepts, and to me as I am. Maybe it's time to have another talk, and explain that in the near-future, I won't be switching back to present as male when I'm around her. She's got to get used to this stuff sometime...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
