Twenty Six

A year older, and things are still so far out of place. So much has changed. I'm grateful for the people that stuck around, but my life is so empty now. I miss her more than anything, and I don't really expect that to ever change. There are still things she's written or done that I haven't gotten rid of for the sole reason that it's all I have left. I never thought a Facebook poke could hold so much meaning to me. It's kind of sad.

I even miss her family. I always tried to keep some level of detachment from them, because I was always worried they'd disown me after they found things out, but it doesn't seem to have made a difference. I still get these brief glimpses from time to time, where I forget the past few months and she's suddenly in my life again, and maybe we were going to plan dinner or something or we're goofing off and wasting time. There are so many things I wish I could say to her. Not the her now that's made up her mind about us, but the one that still believed in us. God, it feels so strange. I never thought I'd be here.

I'm trying to get by, to not leave my life in crumbling ruins. Some things like work are actually going pretty well. Beyond that though, I'm still kind of a mess. I can't survive like this, but I don't know how to do anything other than this. I miss her so fucking much. She's the only person I've ever loved and the only one I ever had any interest in sharing a life with.

happy anniversary

i guess it's just another day now. feels wrong like that. sigh.

oh god

I fucking miss you so much. Every night I lay here is the same as the last. Ugh.

I can't sleep.

The best I can ever manage is to lie there, staring at the ceiling, wondering if you ever lie there staring at the ceiling, wondering.

i don't think i can possibly express how much i miss you.

this is hell.

The past five weeks are like a nightmare that goes on and on. Occasionally I'll get a flash and forget what's happened, and for second I remember what it used to feel like when we were okay. It's never more than a second though, and then everything presses down on me again.

FUCK.

The apartment feels so goddamn empty. I feel so alone. Every time an idea crosses my mind or I consider a plan for the future, it hits me a moment later, that she isn't here for me to tell. She's the one person I wanted to share my life with, and now she isn't in it. From little things like noticing the preview for a movie that we'd both want to see, to big things like what I thought I'd be doing five years from now, my life feels like it's over. It's all based on and in plans with someone who's gone.

I don't want to do anything. All of it feels wrong. I go to work, because that's what you do if you don't want to get evicted, but anything beyond that feels laughable. How the fuck did I get here? Why can't I make things work with the one person that matters to me.

ugh.

I miss her so fucking much.

stuck on repeat.

She was in my dreams again. I think she was in several of them, actually. It's particularly bad because at the time, I wasn't aware it was a dream. That feeling of relief and happiness when she said she wanted to come back was incredible. I woke up shortly after and it was gone again. Ugh.

adrift.

I feel so goddamn empty. I'm going through my days at work, with people, whatever, but I might as well be on autopilot. The best I can muster is some meager attempt at passing time. It's even worse when I don't try to divert my attention. People keep telling me it will get better over time. Maybe they're right, maybe they're wrong. Either way, I don't want to feel better about missing her. I want her. Sigh.

it doesn't change.

just the same awful feelings on repeat always. ugh.

sigh.

It's an understatement in every way possible, to say that I miss her. Everything I do without her feels wrong. I keep hoping she'll show up at the door, and that things will be okay again.

Is it really over? Is this how it ends?

Everything is wrong. Fucking hell. I miss her so goddamn much and it hasn't been a whole day.