Playing hide and seek with self identity

I've been trying to sort through the issues of self identity, lately. Who am I really, and where am I trying to get to as a person? Every time I think I have it worked out pretty well, a little time passes and I have to reevaluate it from where I'm standing then. I think this usually ends up being a touchy subject, just because it calls into question the reasons you're even doing something to begin with. It's tiring to always dissect desires, motives, and everything else that pushes from day to day.

It's also strange, because as time passes, it's harder to recall how things felt before I started working through trans issues. It's troubling, as I'm the type that likes to have bulleted lists of reasons and rationale backing up what I do. It makes me worry that perhaps I missed turn in the thought process along the way; what if this isn't the best path I could have taken? I think, or hope at least, that this questioning is healthy.

I know for a fact that I am not a girly-girl in any sense. My desired gender expression has always been somewhere in the middle, but on the female side. In general, the female role models I have are usually something closer to genderqueer, not worrying about what they do or how they're coming across, as long as it's genuine. And that really speaks to me, I guess? It's the putting people into boxes of expected actions and roles that has always rubbed me the wrong way.

As I move slowly but steadily away from looking or acting male, it's made me question just what I was really going for, and why. So far, I still think I'm aiming for being recognized as female, but I have a feeling that in the end, it's mostly that I should probably express whatever feels "genuine", regardless of what gender it's tagged with. So maybe expressing somewhere a little left of the middle, but recognized as female physically? That might feel about right.

I suppose for me, it's slowly fumbling towards some place where I feel alright. Like wandering around in some ridiculous game of "Hotter / Colder". I don't want to end up at a place that is different, but equally as uncomfortable as where I started two years ago.

A month without updating, and four months of hormones

Where to begin. At this point, I feel that enough time has passed, and enough things have happened, that I've already forgotten more than I will remember about the past month.

To start, the wedding went wonderfully. Far better than I could have planned, really. No horrible family meltdowns, or even that much awkwardness. Nicole and I are settled into our new place, and trying to get things sorted out for the coming year. Beyond that though, the past month has been fairly difficult in some ways. The new environment, coupled with a lack of steady income has made things a jarring change from the days before we moved.

For now, living on savings has put many aspects of transition on-hold for a while, or slowed them down at the very least. I don't have the funds to continue with facial hair removal, which is one of the bigger deterrents I'd like to take care of before presenting female at all times. At this point, it's been about a month and a half since I've been able to present female, and not just androgynous. This is combined from moving to a new location, having to be around our families with much more frequency than I'm used to, and losing my breast inserts in the move. Yep; they're gone, somehow. It's been somewhat of a bummer, as I originally wanted to be full-time from the wedding and onwards.

The job thing makes a lot of other stuff harder, too. If presenting female is going to be a possible hindrance to making that happen, it's going to get pushed further back. At this point, it isn't something I can take or leave; I need a job regardless. I can't afford to stick to my ideologies about how this should work, and try to explain transitioning to a small NC business that might be hiring me.

So. Other things happening. I've been on hormones for about four months now. On the physical side of things, I've definitely been seeing a lot more development in my chest. I have to toss and turn a while before finding a comfortable position when sleeping on my stomach, just because of pressure. It's also getting to the point where I feel self conscious when presenting male and wearing shirts that fit. Well, almost. I guess I mostly get nervous when I have to be around my family or hers. I'm also still losing weight (mostly muscle, I assume). I'm down to a steady 135, which is pretty awesome. Lots of fancy internet calculator things say my ideal weight is between 120 and 140, so I guess I'm doing alright. Oh! I've also noticed regrowth of a "row" of hair around my hairline, I guess you'd call it a row. Male hairlines usually recede some, even before situations of actual balding. It's nice to know mine isn't following in that trend anymore.

Emotionally, I've had a few points where I randomly went to tears, and couldn't explain why I felt so worked up. So uh, thanks estrogen? The amount of confusion and slipups in public continues to rise, from things like the waitress addressing Nicole and I as "ladies", to the little kid yelling "WAS THAT A BOOOY?" while running by me. I guess it feels OK to know that I'm still at least heading in the direction I want. I'm sure this attention will get old very quick, probably about the same time that I want to just present as my target gender and not be noticed. For now though, it's just amusing.